In the Name of Love
JK invited me over to his parents' home for the last family dinner of the year today. I was hesitant. I didn't want to convey the wrong message to his family. But in the end, I decided to go. I was in a good mood until it dawned on me that Richard was not at the dinner table. (Richard, almost 40, lives at home and is recovering from cancer.) I asked why he wasn't joining us for dinner. My MIL said he was in the bedroom. I pressed on. Is he not feeling well? Did he lose his appetite? She said no, that Richard would heat up some dumplings later. Dumplings? Those frozen dumplings bought from the Chinese dumpling places for cheap? Then I asked, "Isn't it important for him to eat some fish and vegetables?" The response? "The food is oily and it's not suitable for him." My jaw dropped. How much more ignorant can this get? Oil from meat is bad for cancer, but oil from fish that was steamed? Isn't there fat in the meat dumpling? Animal protein is tumor cells' best friend, no? Studies have shown that. I lost my appetite. When Richard came out of his room after the dinner table was busted, I asked him why he did not join us for dinner. He said "they" wouldn't let him.
So in the name of love, this woman not only deprived Richard of a recovery based on an educated diet, she took away his will and pride. He had no control even over his own diet. This reminded me of the month after Ethan was born when she was supposedly taking care of me. She denied me of any food I wanted to eat. One example: when Ethan wouldn't stop crying, she claimed it was because I was drinking milk and Ethan was allegic to it. She fought me day and night, blaming all of Ethan's crying on the food I ate, even when I was barely able to nurse Ethan because she was giving him the bottle with formula every time I wasn't looking. She took away my pride as a mother - my right to decide what's best for my child. And I was always hungry for that one month when I was suppose to be recovering. Seeing how Richard is being treated now brought back all these feelings.
I want to sever my children from a woman who, in the name of love, is so destructive. But I know I can't. I can not have my kids live in a bubble. They will need to learn how to deal with their grandmother, and emerge as strong and independent minded as their mother. Since she will be in their lives, I can only help them question the actions of people in their lives and evaluate whether those actions are rational/reasonable/sensible.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Green Eggs and Ham
After about two and a half years of trying to get Ethan back into the pool to learn how to swim, he was finally in the pool about 10 days ago. Yes, it was the promise of star war legos and just gifts in general for giving new experiences a try. But I think it's mostly because Ethan and I had a major fight the Saturday before when I tried but failed to get him to put on his swimming trunk. He resisted with all his might. But he came along, fully dressed, to the pool because he had no choice. Artimus had her lessons so he either came along or had to be alone. He came along and watched Artimus swim for an hour as well as waited for her when I changed her in the dressing room. He was bored as hell when Artimus was happily playing in the water. Naturally, as any smart kid should, he agreed to go into the pool the following Saturday.
After Ethan was in the pool for an hour with a very sensitive instructor, he told me, "Mommy, swimming is fun. I really like it. I want to come back next weekend." My heart sang with glee. I thought I would never hear those words from him. So now, Ethan is finally in regular lessons, just like Artimus! Yay! Never give up!
After about two and a half years of trying to get Ethan back into the pool to learn how to swim, he was finally in the pool about 10 days ago. Yes, it was the promise of star war legos and just gifts in general for giving new experiences a try. But I think it's mostly because Ethan and I had a major fight the Saturday before when I tried but failed to get him to put on his swimming trunk. He resisted with all his might. But he came along, fully dressed, to the pool because he had no choice. Artimus had her lessons so he either came along or had to be alone. He came along and watched Artimus swim for an hour as well as waited for her when I changed her in the dressing room. He was bored as hell when Artimus was happily playing in the water. Naturally, as any smart kid should, he agreed to go into the pool the following Saturday.
After Ethan was in the pool for an hour with a very sensitive instructor, he told me, "Mommy, swimming is fun. I really like it. I want to come back next weekend." My heart sang with glee. I thought I would never hear those words from him. So now, Ethan is finally in regular lessons, just like Artimus! Yay! Never give up!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Bone in the Throat"
I love the way kids describe things. Artimus said to me that she is not feeling well because there is a bone in her throat and she can't get it out. She has been coughing. So she has phlem. Unfortunately, it's hard to teach a three year old to cough out phlem. It's just impossible. But the way she described her sympthom is so cute!
I love the way kids describe things. Artimus said to me that she is not feeling well because there is a bone in her throat and she can't get it out. She has been coughing. So she has phlem. Unfortunately, it's hard to teach a three year old to cough out phlem. It's just impossible. But the way she described her sympthom is so cute!
Obsessive Little Boy
When a kid utters "Blokus" in the morning when his eyes are still closed, you know the kid is a little obsessed. Yes, I neglected to notice that during game night, a friend took out a game called Blokus and introduced that to Ethan and Artimus, as well as Sonia and Ian. Ethan was particularly taken by it that after I told him Santa had given that game to him for Christmas, he and I spent the rest of Sunday playing that game. He got so good at it that we were tied for several games before I said enough is enough and we must go to bed. Ethan was so desperate to play that Blokus I think I could have bribed him to all things impossible (i.e. do his homework quickly, clean up his toys, take a bath, brush his teeth etc.) I thank the person who invented such a fun game.
When a kid utters "Blokus" in the morning when his eyes are still closed, you know the kid is a little obsessed. Yes, I neglected to notice that during game night, a friend took out a game called Blokus and introduced that to Ethan and Artimus, as well as Sonia and Ian. Ethan was particularly taken by it that after I told him Santa had given that game to him for Christmas, he and I spent the rest of Sunday playing that game. He got so good at it that we were tied for several games before I said enough is enough and we must go to bed. Ethan was so desperate to play that Blokus I think I could have bribed him to all things impossible (i.e. do his homework quickly, clean up his toys, take a bath, brush his teeth etc.) I thank the person who invented such a fun game.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Game Night
We were invited to a party by a couple who don't have kids yet. They were fun to hang with and the kids loved them. They really know how to have fun. We sang kareoke ... with me listening most of the time. The kids had color markers and glow in the dark paper. It was also nice to watch Nelson wanting to sing and release his energy. I didn't remember how much of an extrovert he is since we have not hang out together for fun since the kids came along. Artimus and Ethan enjoyed the drawing so much and watching with total amazement that the adults were trying to find an entertainment rather than watch him play.
We did get home late though. I was so afraid it will take forever to find parking but we were lucky. But by the time we got home, Artimus and Ethan really needed their moment of play. So I let them for their way before the firm rules came down. They were very happy and want to do it again.
We were invited to a party by a couple who don't have kids yet. They were fun to hang with and the kids loved them. They really know how to have fun. We sang kareoke ... with me listening most of the time. The kids had color markers and glow in the dark paper. It was also nice to watch Nelson wanting to sing and release his energy. I didn't remember how much of an extrovert he is since we have not hang out together for fun since the kids came along. Artimus and Ethan enjoyed the drawing so much and watching with total amazement that the adults were trying to find an entertainment rather than watch him play.
We did get home late though. I was so afraid it will take forever to find parking but we were lucky. But by the time we got home, Artimus and Ethan really needed their moment of play. So I let them for their way before the firm rules came down. They were very happy and want to do it again.
Grand-parents and Childhood
After half a year's absence from Ethan and Artimus' everyday, grandma unexpectedly dropped by today to announce that she will come every morning to take Artimus to school. It's true that Ethan has been late almost every morning because getting the two of them out the door seemed doubly hard. She wants to make sure Ethan gets to school on time. She said her son who had cancer is now able to cook for himself so she can help out again.
This is so sudden I can't get use to the thought of seeing her everyday again. I am also dreading all the terribly unhealthy and sugary stuff she feeds the kids every morning. If she comes with real breakfast, that's fine. But she comes with junk food with no nutritional value except for sugar or salt and MSG. It's time to creatively convey to her that they have everything they need to eat right here in my apartment.
So having her seems an inconvenience after not having her for so long. But Ethan and Artimus need love from many people in their lives, particularly grandparents. One day, when they look back, they will realize the joy of being surrounded by people who love and care for them. That's one mark of a happy childhood, and I can't deny them that.
-JW
After half a year's absence from Ethan and Artimus' everyday, grandma unexpectedly dropped by today to announce that she will come every morning to take Artimus to school. It's true that Ethan has been late almost every morning because getting the two of them out the door seemed doubly hard. She wants to make sure Ethan gets to school on time. She said her son who had cancer is now able to cook for himself so she can help out again.
This is so sudden I can't get use to the thought of seeing her everyday again. I am also dreading all the terribly unhealthy and sugary stuff she feeds the kids every morning. If she comes with real breakfast, that's fine. But she comes with junk food with no nutritional value except for sugar or salt and MSG. It's time to creatively convey to her that they have everything they need to eat right here in my apartment.
So having her seems an inconvenience after not having her for so long. But Ethan and Artimus need love from many people in their lives, particularly grandparents. One day, when they look back, they will realize the joy of being surrounded by people who love and care for them. That's one mark of a happy childhood, and I can't deny them that.
-JW
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My Singyi Girl
Did I ever tell you (this blog) that Artimus is a singer? She can sing anytime, anywhere, and about anything. She also has this amazing power to remember tunes and rhythms, even though she cannot read yet. She sings her Chinese and English nursery songs with such seriousness that one gets mesmerized by her voice and gestures that go along with the words. It's always such a joy to hear her singing from the bathroom when I am cooking in the kitchen. Even Ethan feels good to hear her singing because he loves company. Her singing makes him laugh and puts a smile on both of our faces. She is a charm. I hope she will always be singing no matter how old she gets.
Did I ever tell you (this blog) that Artimus is a singer? She can sing anytime, anywhere, and about anything. She also has this amazing power to remember tunes and rhythms, even though she cannot read yet. She sings her Chinese and English nursery songs with such seriousness that one gets mesmerized by her voice and gestures that go along with the words. It's always such a joy to hear her singing from the bathroom when I am cooking in the kitchen. Even Ethan feels good to hear her singing because he loves company. Her singing makes him laugh and puts a smile on both of our faces. She is a charm. I hope she will always be singing no matter how old she gets.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Words Words Words
I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I need my kids to read on their own. That means they need to know how to read words. Schools don't help much with that. It's done by the parents or children will have to wait for that magical moment of self-realization.
So I started index cards with Ethan and Artimus. So far, so good. They are making super progress but they are far from knowing the necessary words to read on their own. Again, this is a labor of love. But they sure make me laugh when they try to figure out the words ... does "and" sound like "turkey" or "love" or whatever wild guesses they make?
JW
I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I need my kids to read on their own. That means they need to know how to read words. Schools don't help much with that. It's done by the parents or children will have to wait for that magical moment of self-realization.
So I started index cards with Ethan and Artimus. So far, so good. They are making super progress but they are far from knowing the necessary words to read on their own. Again, this is a labor of love. But they sure make me laugh when they try to figure out the words ... does "and" sound like "turkey" or "love" or whatever wild guesses they make?
JW
Sleeping Semi-Independently
After almost five and a half years, the cuties are sleeping in their own beds through the night. They still need me to be in the room watching them fall asleep but it's major progress in my book. This progress is done with incentives ... a gift after sleeping 6 consecutive nights in their own bed. But whatever! We all need incentives to embrace change, even though we know the change would mean progress. I can't believe they are the age they are and I am that much older. It was time that felt slow in the everyday details of life with kids. But looking back, time just flew by. I miss many moments. I hope I recorded some of those moments. Kids are a labor of love. It's the joy they bring that make that hard selfless labor forgettable.
After almost five and a half years, the cuties are sleeping in their own beds through the night. They still need me to be in the room watching them fall asleep but it's major progress in my book. This progress is done with incentives ... a gift after sleeping 6 consecutive nights in their own bed. But whatever! We all need incentives to embrace change, even though we know the change would mean progress. I can't believe they are the age they are and I am that much older. It was time that felt slow in the everyday details of life with kids. But looking back, time just flew by. I miss many moments. I hope I recorded some of those moments. Kids are a labor of love. It's the joy they bring that make that hard selfless labor forgettable.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
What A Mother Misses
Their baby voices.
The way they talk.
Ethan's favorite word: "Why?"
Artimus' circular reasoning: "Mommy, do you know why the building is so tall?" "Why, sweetie?" "Because it's so tall, Mommy."
Their raw feelings.
Their soft skin.
Their love of the snow.
Artimus' dilemma about what to wear in the morning, even with her limited wardrobe for a 3.5 year old.
Their drawings.
The way they succumb to my wishes when ice-cream was promised.
Their incessant desire to be with me.
Their baby voices.
The way they talk.
Ethan's favorite word: "Why?"
Artimus' circular reasoning: "Mommy, do you know why the building is so tall?" "Why, sweetie?" "Because it's so tall, Mommy."
Their raw feelings.
Their soft skin.
Their love of the snow.
Artimus' dilemma about what to wear in the morning, even with her limited wardrobe for a 3.5 year old.
Their drawings.
The way they succumb to my wishes when ice-cream was promised.
Their incessant desire to be with me.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Inner Strength
The stars didn't line up correctly in 2010. Another girlfriend who I have known since high school was recently diagnosed with serious tumors in her liver and colon. (My ex-brother in law was diagnosed with cancer in the throat in July 2010.) These are cancerous and it's at their late stages. Though we were not very close, I always enjoyed her free spirit and joyous laughter. So when the news of her illness came, I couldn't help but want to be there ... a good person and a friend who had called when I was most unhappy in my younger days. I finally got her okay to visit her on New Years day, 1/1/11. I pictured her exhausted from chemotherapy, with barely any hair, and emaciated from not being able to eat much. But she shocked me. She had a full head of hair, in her happy spirit as usual, and a game plan to fight those cancerous cells. She was tired but she didn't show it. She had the exercise routine, the diet and the family members lined up to help. It was great sitting in her living room and hearing how she feels that there could be worst things that can happen. She made me laugh with her little stories about her doctor's visits and the baby food she eats. After tiring her out for two hours, I left feeling enlightened. I hope the hats I bought her will never be used. But if they will be used, I know she will have fun with them. To me, she showed me what it means to be living - to be thankful of what she has and to be happy. She is far from dying. Friends of all walks of life never fail to teach me strength and greatness. For that I am blessed.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Christmas Tree
It is unimaginable, as an adult in my 30's, the joys of getting a very big Christmas Tree for a 3.5 and a 5 year old. They were laughing, joking, and singing all the way home. I got the young man selling the tree to come home with us to put the tree up. He spoke three languages, which the kids were amazed about. Then it was all about making sure it's accessible to Santa when he drops off the gifts. So yup, it's by the window. I managed to hold them off from decorating the tree because Ethan still had homework to do.
After getting the tree, and dropping the young man back at his street corner, we drove to one of my favorite lunch place for dinner. Ethan is at the age where he wants to know what I do during my work day, while he is in school. So he was the one who said we should have dinner at a restaurant I always go to for lunch. There, at Nam, which was a quite restaurant, I had to keep them entertained. Thank God I was in a good mood. Otherwise, I don't know how I could have lip sang all the wonderful 90's songs while waiting for the food. They were mesmerized by my talents and dramatic acts. Perhaps, one day, they'll keep me entertained while waiting for the food too.
All in all, we had a wonderful time getting our tree. Tonight, we'll bring it to life, our style! Stay tuned!
It is unimaginable, as an adult in my 30's, the joys of getting a very big Christmas Tree for a 3.5 and a 5 year old. They were laughing, joking, and singing all the way home. I got the young man selling the tree to come home with us to put the tree up. He spoke three languages, which the kids were amazed about. Then it was all about making sure it's accessible to Santa when he drops off the gifts. So yup, it's by the window. I managed to hold them off from decorating the tree because Ethan still had homework to do.
After getting the tree, and dropping the young man back at his street corner, we drove to one of my favorite lunch place for dinner. Ethan is at the age where he wants to know what I do during my work day, while he is in school. So he was the one who said we should have dinner at a restaurant I always go to for lunch. There, at Nam, which was a quite restaurant, I had to keep them entertained. Thank God I was in a good mood. Otherwise, I don't know how I could have lip sang all the wonderful 90's songs while waiting for the food. They were mesmerized by my talents and dramatic acts. Perhaps, one day, they'll keep me entertained while waiting for the food too.
All in all, we had a wonderful time getting our tree. Tonight, we'll bring it to life, our style! Stay tuned!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Everyday
Maintaining routines is a big part of being a parent. Having done that so well, these days when the kids are not with me, I am a little lost despite feeling a little more relaxed at the same time because I am not racing against the clock to get them to bed. Children are amazing because they speak with their hearts. Their love is without pretense, and it's so raw ... so deep. Exactly when does a child become cynical of love? I miss them and our "everyday" together. I hope to love like a child again. Here is a snap shot of their wonderful love, on a short bike trip in lower Manhattan.
Maintaining routines is a big part of being a parent. Having done that so well, these days when the kids are not with me, I am a little lost despite feeling a little more relaxed at the same time because I am not racing against the clock to get them to bed. Children are amazing because they speak with their hearts. Their love is without pretense, and it's so raw ... so deep. Exactly when does a child become cynical of love? I miss them and our "everyday" together. I hope to love like a child again. Here is a snap shot of their wonderful love, on a short bike trip in lower Manhattan.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tiger, Chicky, and Piggy
The roaring noise from Mommy always annoyed them because it always came at the most inconvenient time to their daily play. Well, like just as Ethan was in the mist of folding the best ever paper airplane, or as Artimus was about to accomplish with her little fingers, for the first time, in putting a stylish plastic dress on a little doll. Mommy was the tiger, who they stared with their angry eyes and who they shunned their sharp little ears. For what do they care about eating or drinking, or washing their hands, or bathing, or brushing their teeth, or, God forbid, sleeping?! Yesterday, the tiger in me just wanted to eat them up. So I picked up Ethan and I roared in his ears while carrying him into the bathroom for his daily teeth-brushing. I roared like a tiger and I threatened to eat up this skinny chick, butt first, unless his mouth opens for his daily cleaning. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop laughing. Then little piggy, hearing the laughter, got in front of the bathroom door and went, "Oink Oink". Well, what was tiger mom supposed to do? Let little juicy piggy go? Didn't she walk into the tiger's den? ... they melted in their own giggly laughters.
Acting like a kid made the routines less challenging. Laughter is also such medicine to the soul. After more than five years, I am still wondering what works with these fun loving kids. Perhaps the thing to do is to just have fun.
Happy Friday.
The roaring noise from Mommy always annoyed them because it always came at the most inconvenient time to their daily play. Well, like just as Ethan was in the mist of folding the best ever paper airplane, or as Artimus was about to accomplish with her little fingers, for the first time, in putting a stylish plastic dress on a little doll. Mommy was the tiger, who they stared with their angry eyes and who they shunned their sharp little ears. For what do they care about eating or drinking, or washing their hands, or bathing, or brushing their teeth, or, God forbid, sleeping?! Yesterday, the tiger in me just wanted to eat them up. So I picked up Ethan and I roared in his ears while carrying him into the bathroom for his daily teeth-brushing. I roared like a tiger and I threatened to eat up this skinny chick, butt first, unless his mouth opens for his daily cleaning. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop laughing. Then little piggy, hearing the laughter, got in front of the bathroom door and went, "Oink Oink". Well, what was tiger mom supposed to do? Let little juicy piggy go? Didn't she walk into the tiger's den? ... they melted in their own giggly laughters.
Acting like a kid made the routines less challenging. Laughter is also such medicine to the soul. After more than five years, I am still wondering what works with these fun loving kids. Perhaps the thing to do is to just have fun.
Happy Friday.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Holiday Train Show
We missed the New York Botanical Holiday Train Show last year. This year, I made sure daddy reserve tickets ahead of time through his corporate membership. So today, we went! The show was great as usual, with a few new additions. For the years 2007 and 2008, we saw the show several times around Christmas so both Ethan and Artimus have a strong memory about what they would see. The excitement was still there, though not as "wow" as when they first saw the train show when Ethan was two and three. Artimus was a good sport, as usual. She thoroughly enjoyed watching the trains go back and forth on the same tracks. Wish we had time to see other performances in the garden but they needed their naps. Oh, Ethan was snapping away with my iPhone. He may be a budding photographer :-)!
We missed the New York Botanical Holiday Train Show last year. This year, I made sure daddy reserve tickets ahead of time through his corporate membership. So today, we went! The show was great as usual, with a few new additions. For the years 2007 and 2008, we saw the show several times around Christmas so both Ethan and Artimus have a strong memory about what they would see. The excitement was still there, though not as "wow" as when they first saw the train show when Ethan was two and three. Artimus was a good sport, as usual. She thoroughly enjoyed watching the trains go back and forth on the same tracks. Wish we had time to see other performances in the garden but they needed their naps. Oh, Ethan was snapping away with my iPhone. He may be a budding photographer :-)!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
As a parent, knowing where to draw the line of who makes the decision is a growing process. While Artimus embraces almost anything, Ethan resists just about everything. Artimus loves her piano lessons and swimming lessons. Ethan resists practicing piano but doesn't mind going to lessons. He would bang his head till it cracks before he would touch water in a pool. And I hear more negative comments from him than I can bear. Is it me? Or is it boys? Or it is him?
I am determined to let Artimus and Ethan learn the things that I wish I had the opportunity to learn. But it seems like Ethan is determined to not learn how to swim. Do I respect his determination? Or do I help him overcome his fear of water? As an adult, anyone who asks me to jump from higher grounds might as well asks me to commit suicide - because it's not about fear; it's about why I have to experience such high level of distress. I ask myself similar questions whenever Ethan resists swimming lessons - will he be missing sooooo much if he doesn't know how to swim?
I must say, it's still so much more pleasant to hear enthusiasm for learning. Artimus would come up to me and say thank you, just like that, for letting her play piano and learn how to swim. Then she would say, "I want Ethan to swim with me." Oh well. May be she will come up with better ideas of how to get Ethan into the pool.
JW
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