A New Job?

It felt unreal this morning when I had to get dressed to go to work. I watched baby girl wake up in search of me next to her. When I was not, she yelled out, "Hey!" I naturally laid down next to her and held her close like I always did when she starts to wake up. Today, I had to cut the cuddling time down to just a brief moment. It was hard to watch her struggle to open her eyes when she could definitely sleep some more.

The travel to work was great - a short bus ride and I was right there in the office. Not long enough to read anything meaningful, unfortunately. When I walked into the office, a sleek looking flat panel monitor stared back. I was in shock. Is this my office? Upon further inspection, there was a laptop underneath it so it was apparently used as the harddrive too. On top of the laptop was a USB pen. Wow Wow! No more CDs or 3x3 disks. Best of all, I spotted a black wheelable briefcase underneath one of my tables, still enclosed in the clear plastic bag. No more asking around who has the trial briefcase next time I need one. After so many years, the government is finally investing in technology to bring up efficiency.

JW
P.S. I missed my babies.

Father's Log, Star Date 2007.05.28 (Memorial Day)

It's wearisome to be a parent. Today Ethan and I were at Grandma's for dinner; Mama and Artie stayed home. Uncle D, Aunt N and their girls were over as well. I opted to drink some soup and catch 25 minutes of sleep instead of joining the family for dinner. When I woke up, Ethan was still sitting in the baby seat while the rest of the family were repositioned around the living room after the meal. I asked my dad if he's being punished and was relieved when I found out that he wasn't. (You have to understand that I had returned home from work last Thursday and Friday to find Ethan who was being punished by his mom, and was sitting buckled in his kiddie chair for two consecutive days.)

Well, I wanted to write about how wearisome it is to be a parent, and the lack of sleep is making it difficult to lock on to a single cohesive thought. Anyway, if you know me, you'll know I don't typically pass up on food. But I did tonight because sleep was that much more vital. Maybe it was the program on Sleep that was broadcast by NPR this Sunday. It noted that the lack of sleep bends a person's protein and makes it difficult for the body to absorb, thereby leaving a toxic buildup which leads to fatigue. This buildup can only be cleansed through sleep.

Then you may be wondering, why I'm up at 11:43pm typing on this blog. Well, I didn't think it would be fair that Mama's voice be the only one that is recorded in this evolving journal.

There's a whole bunch of things that I want to write about today, but I guess I'll skip most of them for only one revealing point. My nephew told me that he had made it to Mark Twain Junior High School. It's a specialized school in Brooklyn. I was happy for him, then I asked if his good friend HK made it there as well.

He said, no. He's going to a regular school, there were only two people in his class who made it to Mark Twain. I see my nephew was a little disappointed by the fact that his best friend could not go with him. I was shocked.

The last time I had seen HK with my nephew was about 3 years ago. At that time I saw HK as being extremely bright and carried himself with as much self-confidence as a 10 (?) year old could.

I asked my sister, "Isn't HK really very intelligent?"

She replied, "Yeah, so what. He started playing video games." That was all the explanation she gave, and that was all the explanation she needed.

A person's aptitude may be God given. But, hard work and perseverance are things that need to be developed.

Success = Skill + Will + Luck
(You'll need at least two of the three to have a fighting chance.)

As a parent, my mission is to make sure Ethan and Artie refine their skills and build up their determination/work ethics. This will minimize their reliance on luck.

-Papi

Being Parents

Today turned awefully hot but we ventured out at about 5:00 p.m. to shop for plastic bowls and spoons for Ethan. He also loves to steal our chop sticks during dinner so we wanted to get a shorter pair for him. When daddy got home early at 4:00 p.m. because of Memorial Day weekend, he decided to put baby girl on his back with his mother's baby sling, which is the Chinese style babywearing clothe you probably have seen old Chinese ladies wear with their grand child on their backs. Baby girl had not slept much during the day because I didn't have time to put her on the baby bione. Well, JK is not exactly a small person and baby girl is not exactly big but as soon as she was on his back, she fell limp and asleep. We started walking out and both his mom and I couldn't stop laughing because his mother's sling is at least 20 years old with another clothe that his mom stitched onto it bring up the baby's head. JK and the sling just look like a perfect mismatch - a modernly dressed man with a bright red heavily used Chinese lady baby sling. As could be expected, JK said, "A daddy's got to do what a daddy's got to do." So that was how she was carried for three blocks until I couldn't help worrying that baby girl is going to slip through the bottom and daddy is not fast enough to catch her. I put her on the bione and felt a lot better. Then we continued our quest to the inner depth of Chinatown.

When we got home at 6:30 or so, it was another battle of me in a marithon to nurse baby girl, who by then was VERY hungry upon waking up, and to make dinner. Now I am quite an expert and dinner was ready in 20 minutes - consisting of a fish, meat patty, rice and left over soup from the night before. Ethan has learned to refuse any help with his dinner and throws out anything we put in his bowl. Today, ten minutes into eating he was done and started his routine of pouring everything in his bowl onto the table and then pushing that food onto the floor. If he has a bowl of soup, he would submerge his right hand in the bowl and play with the content in a circular fashion until the splashing effect occurs. He also tries to grab our chop sticks repeatedly, which is quite annoying when one is trying to eat and finish dinner fast. We couldn't find the little wooden chop stick we bought for him today. Despite all the commotion at the dinner table, it's kinda funny when we look at Ethan objectively - he is a lively little human being.

Baby girl has her quirks when eating too. The typical nursing session involves her snapping away numerous times to look the other way to see what's happening, even if nothing is happening because we are basically alone. I must have talked to her alot in the past. Now she loves to chit chat and laugh during nursing. So nursing her takes 30 to 45 minutes and lots of "directing" her back to the task.

All in all, my last three months at home has been quite rewarding - I watched Artimus and Ethan grow and got a chance to get to know them. Artimus is really a girlly girl who is probably going to be a chatter box. Ethan is so full of energy and vitality he couldn't slow down to sleep without help. Yup, the king size mattress was nice and comfortable but the way Ethan swims in it there was no way baby girl and I could fit in. So JK and I are officially slaves to our children with no lives of OUR own. Another recent development that I noticed is that the first words out of Ethan when he wakes up in the morning and from his nap is "mui mui?", which meant little sister in Chinese. I wish it is, "ma ma?" but "mui mui" is fine. Ethan is also imitating the way we play with mui mui, like the exaggerated tone of voice I use and daddy's daily routine of exercising her leg muscles. It's kinda cute . . . until Ethan gets really excited that he grabs her little hand and put it in his mouth.

JK and I are still struggling to find time for ourselves. We absolutely don't have time together. Perhaps it is the acceptance of that that we each are just trying to find time to be on our own. My time to be alone is between 2 am to 4 am. It feels great but the morning is horrendous 'cause I couldn't open my eyes.

I didn't get to cross off much on my To-Do list for this maternity leave, like learn how to knit, learn how to use the oven, learn to record on the i-river and convert to mp3, design more earrings etc. But those are small things. The big things like moving to Manhattan, closing the Queens apartment, and finding childcare for Ethan and Artimus are all accomplished. Now, I can go back to work with the convenience of just going home to see them at the end of the day.

So all in all, it's not so bad being a parent - at the end of the day, I always get to laugh about what happened during the day.


JW

P.S. Excuse any spelling and grammatical mistakes because now you know when I write this blog. And thanks for keeping up with us via this blog. This is and has been a great way for me to feel connected to friends and family.

Unspoken Battle with the In-Laws

Today, again, my MIL chooses to take care of Ethan in her apartment and I will likely be separated from him again. Ethan stayed overnight because JK has an early meeting at work today. I called bright and early to see if I could tell her to bring him over after playing in the park. But no one answered the phone, so they took off even earlier. This is my last week at home with the kids. I will not have this kind of time for a very long time. So I am anxious to be with him. Granted, the king size mattress was delivered yesterday and we will all be able to sleep together at night.

Yesterday was Monday and I dragged myself and Artimus over for dinner because JK really wanted me and baby girl there. I announced that I would not want to ruin dinner when Artimus starts to cry so I would leave as soon as she starts crying and wants to sleep. That promptly started at 7:30 pm and I left. When JK and I got a moment to converse that night, he said he didn't want to tell me what happened after I left. Well, that just meant he has to tell me. He couldn't keep anything in anyway so he told me his parents lied to Ethan when Ethan said, "Ba Ba?", that he had left when he was in the bathroom, you know, for a long time. Then when Ethan said, "Ma Ma?" His mom said that I don't love him anymore and that I only love his sister. JK told me he confronted his mother, which is all that I wanted to hear. I can't control his parents. JK bares more responsibility for his parents' actions than me.

JW

What A Day! (Interviewing Nannies)

After placing a "help wanted" ad for a nanny on the Sing Tao newspaper on Thursday, which went to print on Friday, my cell phone practically rang off the hook. It was impossible to do anything else besides answering the phone. At first I took notes. Then it just got impossible. So I told the ladies to come for an interview today. So about ten made it to the apartment. It was quite a learning experience. The first one came bright and early, at 9:45 a.m., talked only about money and what kind of cleaning and cooking needed to be done. She came with her daughter. That was a 10 minutes interview and I dismissed her. The second came with a daughter as well, who talked as much as her. JK gave her a chance at interacting with Ethan and Ethan got her wrapped around his fingers in two seconds. Ethan didn't care for her but she was a great vehicle to get around. So the interview ended quickly. Then two others were very smooth with their talk about how great they are at taking care of both kids, clean and could cook as well. I dismissed them because there was no love of children in their voice, just their words. One woman told me she studied accupressure and other Tai Chi related exercises, that she could help my MIL with her hand which has been bothering her lately. The only lady I liked was a woman who never took care of anyone else's children but her own daughter. She was honest and direct. Her daughter was finishing up her first year at Harvard so she has been looking for work since the daughter went to college. She thought the hours we wanted, which is from 9:00 to 5:00 Monday to Friday, at 7.15 per hour, very reasonable for her. The only problem was that we want to give her a 1099 at the end of the year requiring her to pay taxes in full. Actually, almost all the ladies we interviewed had a problem with that because they cannot earn over a certain amount in order to stay qualified for a certain government sponsored health insurance. Without that, they could not afford healthcare, which meant it would be better not to work. As for this Harvard lady, her daughter also depends on financial aid to attend Harvard so an increase in the family's income would seriously affect how much they would end up paying in tuition. So all in all, it was a full day of talking to desperate Chinese middle-aged ladies in search of work because they were too young to retire but too old to be hired in a competitive work place. The minimum wage that I offered them was actually very attractive. The fact that I only require them to take care of my children and just make sure my home is neat and clean, with priority on my children, got them all wanting the job badly. My MIL told me that the other ads wanted the person to cook for the family, clean the house and take care of multiple kids with much longer hours and more days for not much more than I offered.

Well, at the end of the day, one of JK's aunt heard that we were hiring and told us she would split the job with a friend. She would work three days and the friend would do two. That her friend would mop our floor on those two days. I was just exhilarated when I heard she was able to take care of my children. She came to visit us when we first moved to the Lower East Side. During that visit, she just loved playing with Ethan and stated affirmatively that taking care of children is not work. Back when she was in China, she was an elementary school teacher. She now works as a home health aide taking care of elderlies from Saturday to Tuesday night.

So the ordeal is over . . . for now. There is always drawbacks to hire a relative as the nanny especially when JK's family is very strong on deference based on age and where one is located on the family hierarchy. At the same time, I also feel safe that it's a family relative who will care for my children because I know that she will care more than if it's a stranger. Afterall, she said it's not really work, right?

There is a big lesson today. I feel sad for all the ladies I met. Most of all, it is clear to me that I must work hard to make sure I will not have to desperately look for work when I get to be in my late forties and fifties. From what I experienced today, I think the economy and society need to find a way to employ so many willing and able middle aged women. Many of them are obviously suffering some form of depression from being rejected as healthy and useful members of society. Aging is a natural process. Since we all age, it should not be punished.

JW

P.S. I insisted on getting the bed frame and we bought it. JK came up with a really good reason why a second hand bed frame is no problem - both our children were made aboard and in a hotel bed, Ethan in Hong Kong and Artimus in Puerto Rico. Now you know why I love him.

War with In-Laws Continues

When Ethan was sick last week, I decided that it's time to take an active role in taking care of him at night. Now that we sleep in separate rooms, it's impossible. Thus, my quest for a king size bed began. Last Friday, I found a decent price for an Ethan Allen king size bed. We went to see it but before we saw it, our rule was it has to be from a couple who are still alive and not in the process of getting a divorce. When the door opened, the owners were a happy couple with three children who were moving to another apartment and are buying all new furnitures so they were trying to get rid of their "old" furnitures. They showed us the bed frame and showed us how to put it together. I immediately fell in love with the condition. I casually asked if anything else is for sale. They said the coaches and basically everything else. So we also decided to buy the owner's couches and TV stand, all for a decent price. So I was really excited - finally we got a break on otherwise expensive items. The owner, the mother/wife, was really easy and gave me a price I could not refuse, and was very accommodating. It was basically a very happy transaction. We are scheduled to pick up the furnitures tomorrow. So all in all, it took three days. Then when JK came home, he relayed that his parents were opposed to us getting a second hand bed, and that FIL gave him about $1000 cash to get a new bed. I said it's only the bed frame. That we are not going to sleep on a used mattress. Still, JK explained, it's someone else's bed. JK agreed that logically, the bed frame is fine. But his parents will always feel negatively about it.

So how far are we going to go with the superstition? Where does it stop? I am not being cheap by buying used furnitures. It just makes sense to me to not spend so much on furnitures when we have young kids who will destroy them one way or another anyway. Apparently JK's parents are saying what we are doing say something about us as people. I don't know what that something is, and I really don't care. JK's parents are really good people but with a way of thinking that will never be compatible with me.

JW

Mothers Day

This day is no longer just for my mother. It is also a day for me to celebrate the joys I have now - two beautiful and healthy children. Most of all, I am still sane. Well, I am expecting my first baby-wearing sling to arrive in a few days - the Beco Baby Carrier. Yeah!!!! It's the hottest thing in the baby-wearing world. It's a new and improved back carrier invented by the Chinese. That's my Mothers Day gift charged to JK's credit card. Yeah!!!!!!

JW

First Family Day in the Park

We went to Central Park on the Upper East Side yesterday afternoon, May 12th. It was a warm partly cloudy day with sufficient sun to draw families with children out for some air. So I laid out the blanket and nursed Artimus. JK arrived with Ethan after he parked the car. Ethan was asleep in the stroller. JK announced that he would take the opportunity to catch up on sleep. So down he laid on the grass and snored. After I nursed Artimus, she was tired so I put her in the bjorn and walked around till she fell asleep. Then I watched other families play softball, frisby, soccer and other fun games. Kids also rode their bike. That was our family afternoon at the park. When JK and Ethan woke up two hours later, they were dazed for the next 30 minutes. Ethan ate cheerios while staring at kids and fathers around him. Daddy was looking around too while eating some other snacks. Probably checking out the cute women lying on the grass for a tan. My feet hurt from standing and walking around with Artimus on the Bjorn. It's a quiet kind of day in the park. It's interesting and almost humorous memory to have in the memory bank.

JW

Day Care

It is that time of parenthood when daycare is the nagging difficult decision. I will be back at work in two weeks and we still don't feel comfortable about what will happen. We registered Ethan at the nearby Red Apple Day Care run by Chinese. The cost is reasonable but the daycare doesn't have any playground facility. The teacher student ratio is 6 to 1, not exactly legal for kids under 2. So as we get closer to beautiful weather and Ethan utter the words "paarrk paarrk" so eloquently every morning, demanding to go out, there is this aching feeling that he will be miserable. We don't have a solution yet but I am losing sleep trying to figure out something before I go back to work. My dream is that Fedkids, the daycare in Federal Plaza, will have an opening for Ethan. It's a lot more expensive than Red Apple, but it has outdoor and indoor playgrounds. I have been told that the waiting list is long and there are only ten spots but Ethan is high up there with a few kids ahead of him. It is the time of Ethan's life when he just wants to run around to explore his world and his ability to conquer it. Can't deny that happiness if I can help it.

JW
P.S. Ethan was sick with a fever between 102 and 104 from Sunday through Wednesday. He lost appetite and could sleep well, but playful as usual. He got a virus probably from eating with dirty hands. We have to do a better job making sure he cleans his hands before he eats.

Ethan and Artimus

They are behaving more like siblings. Ethan always wake up looking for me and Artimus to kiss. After being kissed by mommy, he would gently hug and put his cheeks to Artimus' lips, then laugh and does it many times until I have enough of making sure he doesn't crush her. Artimus now recognizes Ethan and would tolerate the "kisses" until Ethan gets overly excited. Aside from the kisses, Ethan always tries to be helpful. He brings me Artimus' blanket whenever he sees that it's not on Artimus. He brings me her diaper whenever I am getting ready to change her diaper. Just today, I see that he was trying to sing to her when she was crying. He could also be telling her in a very singing voice to stop crying. I can't quite tell which.

I also had the opportunity to see Ethan play in the park. His favorite is Seward Park. He goes twice day, morning and late afternoon. The playground is his world. He is so happy there that it's hard to deny him playground even when he acts up. His grandma, my MIL, tells me that he refuses to leave every time. I got the chance to see what that meant - he runs away whenever those words hit his ears - "it's time to leave" or "lets go home." Then I see my MIL running after him trying to talk him into leaving. After being captured, he would struggle his way to freedom and my MIL would be running after him again. This seems to be the ritual for at least five times. Ethan loves the slide the most. He also loves to look for friends and "talk" to them.

Artimus tracks me with her eyes anywhere I go in the apartment so long as I am within view. She also smiles and laughs. Best of all, she sleeps through the night, for five hours at a stretch starting at 8:00 p.m. every night. What else can I wish for? All in all, they are growing beautifully.

The bad news is that Ethan may have another ear infection. His temperature for the past two afternoons has been 99 or 100 degrees. He is otherwise normal as usual - actively playing and quite cheerful. I know that's not fever but we want to nip it at the bud before he gets really cranky and passes on his illness to anyone else in the family. Can't tolerate another episode of cold. Just when I forget about how it is dealing with a sick kid, Ethan gets sick again.

JW

Compassion for the In-Laws

Everytime I overcome my myopic view of life with the in-laws - that it's miserable dealing with people who insist on their way of raising my children - like thinking positively about their contribution to my children's lives, one of them has to invoke the pain of the past. Yesterday, I took over the digital camera to their home to take pictures of Ethan, Artimus and them, which I know make them very happy because they like to see pictures of them with their grand kids. They were indeed very happy, posing here and posing there. JK called, said he was working late. Then both his brothers called and said they weren't coming back for diner. That leaves me, my parents-in-law, Ethan and Artimus. I didn't feel comfortable but they are my family. Then at 7:30 p.m., when dinner was ready, Artimus started crying, like she always did when we went over for dinner every Monday night. I has strategically nursed her often just before dinner to make sure she was not crying because she was hungry. Well, she cried loud and hard just as I picked up my chopstick but not quick enough to put some food in my mouth. The father-in-law started making comments about how loud she sounded and that she was throwing a fit. Of course, all said in his very gentle voice. I took her into the bedroom and started to nurse her, which often would quiet her down. Well, not this time. When she gets into the kicking and punching gestures, she just couldn't stop. This lasted five minutes which seemed like eternity when the bedroom was just two feet from the dining table and I could hear my father-in-law mumbling away with very useless comments - "Oh, baby girl is hungry, should feed her more often," "Baby girl doesn't have enough to eat," and comments of this sort. I was slowly steaming while watching Artimus struggling in my arms, wailing. I yelled out, "She was like this last week and every week. This is the time when she is preparing to sleep for the night and she wants to nurse non-stop." Noop, this factual statement of mine didn't stop his comments. Then the MIL came into the room and took Artimus into her arms and told me to have my dinner and then head home. I thought that was a great idea. As I was stepping out of the bedroom, the FIL said, "That's what happens when she is starved too often." I instinctively said loudly, "I was nursing her all day she was not hungry . . ." My MIL immediately cut in and said that another of her grand daughter did the same thing when she was Artimus age and that was why the daughter-in-law didn't come with the granddaughter until she got older. Artimus was quiet in the MIL's arms. I ate as quickly as I could and attempted to feed Ethan at the same time, who was playing with his food by that time. My FIL, of course, was just eating. I wasn't very angry or upset at that time because this wasn't new. Just thought I could at least expect they could keep their thoughts to themselves in light of the fact that Artimus has been exclusively breastfed since the day she was born. Obviously Artimus has been thriving. After five minutes in MIL's arms, Artimus began crying . . . or better yet screaming, again. I got up, got soup, downed it quickly and said we were leaving. My MIL, as always, in her very "nice" and "caring" voice, "Are you done? Eat more fish you will have more milk." I swear, I got out of there before they could take their next breathe. I threw Ethan a kiss and that was it. As soon as I stepped out of their apartment, and onto the street, Artimus' eyes were closed and sleeping. She didn't cry again that night. She was really tired as I always put her to sleep at exactly 8:00 pm every night. When her eyes opened again, she was in the comfort of our bedroom and on our bed. Yes, I co-sleep with Artimus and she has been sleeping through the night since her first month. I feel more comfortable that she is warm at night and she can feel secure in mommy's embrace. That had produced a very happy and jolly Ethan so why not do the same for Artimus?

Well, I will not be bringing Artimus over to the in-laws for dinner every Monday night anymore unless her bedtime hour changes. She has been trained to sleep at 8:00 pm and it has worked for us so far. It's not my loss. They will be my in-laws forever unless JK commits some major crime against the marriage. They will be who they are - uneducated about the benefits of breastmilk, uneducated about the proper upbringing of my children by being truthful and fair, and even unfair toward people based on gender - like listening to what I have to say and respecting my decisions about how I would like my kids fed and spoken to. I will just have to understand I can't change them. My children will grow up with how people are around them and hopefully be able to understand right from wrong regardless of who those people are in their life. Hey, I can't shelter them from all the wrongs of the world. Besides, the grandparents may be ignorant but not short of love for them . . . or for Ethan at the moment.

JW
P.S. Yeah, speaking of my in-laws' way of raising children, JK witnessed my FIL, with his hands raised in a hitting gesture, said to Ethan, "If you are bad, I'll hit you." This happened many times in a brief span of time. JK was so upset and told my FIL to stop that because the dots are now connected - Ethan always raised his hands in a hitting gesture to him and the MIL and to other kids in the park when he couldn't get his way. Many times, he executed the hitting. Ethan may have raised his hands at me once.