Death

When is the best age to experience the loss of a family member?  Or to confront the concept of death?

On Tuesday morning, in the mist of running out of the apartment to get the kids to school, JK called.  I was annoyed since he knows how crazy it is to get out of the house in the morning.  He asked to see if I could drive to pick him up from his office.  I said sure, but why?   He said his oldest brother passed away this morning.  I was stunned for a second, then I said I would be there ASAP as we were already leaving the house.  I hung up at about 8:03 am.  We later decided that it would be faster if he just met me at the school.  When I saw him, he was composed.  I gave him a hug and he held me longer than he normally would.  He needed it.  He said he doesn't know how to break this news to his mother.  I wished him well and said good-bye.  When I was half a block away, I realized he may want my support ... that I be there with him as he rushes to pick up his dad to go see his brother.  I caught up with him at the traffic light.  He said he was okay, and I know he would be okay.   JK's spirit is tough.

That day, he picked me up from work early so I could stop by his parent's apartment.  The kids were already there.  When I got there, the kids were playful as always.  JK's mom was near tears as soon as I asked her how she was doing.  She immediately started telling me about S, the brother.  She said he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was 21.  It was only then that S began taking medication for his behavior and S became more stable. Before the medication, S disappeared often and would be found on the streets by the police. Although S couldn't finish school, S was doing well cleaning dishes in restaurants.  He was stable until about ten years ago when he was arrested by two cops who woke him up at the park a block from his home.  They demanded proof of his identity.  When he said he did't have it on him but he could get it from his home a block away, they arrested him.  He was moved to a cell by the time JK and his mom got to the police precinct.  After explaining S's conditions to the police, S was released the next day.  Since that lockup behind bars, JK's mom said that S was never the same again.  S had a record and S was not able to hold a job.  Then about nine years ago, S was found on the highway trying to get run over by cars.  He was arrested and hospitalized.  He was hospitalized for several months before he was eventually placed in a group home.  Since that time, his medication got stronger and they were changed often.  He only visited his parents on occasions and each visit required much arrangements.  I don't remember the last time I saw him.  But each time he was timid.  Everyone knew he was unhappy.  He was a caged and seriously wounded bird.  I do not know when he was wounded, whether at birth or what.  One thing was sure, his family showed their love in ways that did not include hugs or kisses.  These were not part of the Chinese culture.  At heart, we are animals who need physical love.  We all could use many hugs a day and a shoulder to cry on.  But S had none.  He was alone in a group home and rarely got visitors.  He was the exile.

Even JK would agree that S was liberated, finally, from misery.  Life is about living.  When one does not have the ability to fight for a better life, then I can understand the sadness.  I do not believe suicide is justified in all circumstances.  I do not believe in suicide at all.  Suicide is selfish because it causes too much pain and guilt in those who love the person.  But there comes a point when the healthy are in no position to judge the mentally ill for their decision to kill themselves. This is especially true for a society that had spent so little on researching the causes of and cure for mental diseases.

I thank God for two healthy children in my life.

JK wanted the kids at the funeral.  I was initially opposed to it because he didn't give me a chance to think about the pros and cons of exposing the kids to a funeral and death.  But after thinking it through, perhaps this is an experience the kids should experience naturally.  After all, they are older now.  I can't shelter them forever.  Also, since they only saw S several times in their lifetime and did not have a relationship with him, they may just weather it better emotionally.  Besides, being their to support their father and their grand parents may just be as important a lesson for them.  JK and I agree that we would explain to them the funeral and leave it up to them to decide whether they want to be there.

I hope this experience will make them realize the concept of family as they will meet many relatives they have not met before.  I hope they know that a funeral is an event to say a proper good-bye to a loved one, and to celebrate family.

JW

Honor Students

Two weeks ago, Yao Shen proudly walked up the stage, knowing I was there watching, to get his honor roll pin.  I was proud beyond words.  He achieved honors without my help and he was even more proud because of it!  He was one of five or six in his class of 26 or 28 that got straight "A's".   Hearing him recounted that he went from below average to straight "A's" made me realize how determined he is even at age eight.

On that happy day, I declared we must celebrate their year's hard work and awesome achievement.  They wanted Malaysian food so we went to Nyonya.  Then we went to the all-famous "Ferarro's" for ice-cream.  They were all laughs and happiness.  JK couldn't resist coming by to have dinner and ice-cream with us even though he had a date.  At heart, we are still a family - we will always share the joy of parenting whenever Artimus and Ethan succeed in life.  We had already shared so many sleepless nights whenever they were sick!  By the time we were walking to the car to drive home, and the kids had their ice-cream in hand, Artimus declared that it was "the best school day" of her life.  Yes, she is quite precise with her words!  I laughed from my heart whenever she proclaims a certain day is the best day of her life.  She has so many!

Artimus with her honor roll pin.

Ethan with his honor roll pin and his all-fun sister.

These days, they can't stop fighting or tickling each other.    They are my joy!

 

Honor Roll

I don't know how Artimus gets honor roll every year, but I am glad she got it.  She never studies and always day dreams when she does her homework.  I never have the time nor the energy to review her homework or to help her study for her exams.  In fact, I never seem to know when her exams were and she never seems to know herself.  But she comes home with 100s and sometimes 80s and 90s.  She always brushed off low grades, and always made sure I saw her good grades.  I hope Artimus learns to learn on her own and be motivated for her own sake.  I don't want to be the kind of parent who is more motivated about good grades than the kids themselves.

Ethan, on the other hand, just does everything fast.  Over the year, he went from being a 70's student to a 90's or 100 student.  He is aiming to be on honor roll.  He didn't make it in the mid-term marking period.  He is aiming for now since he did really well in the final exams.  Again, I don't know when these exams happened but Ethan came home with good grades.  Given that I never see them study, I am just proud of them.  Hopefully, they will learn to learn and figure out a way to learn effectively.

They are my angels.  They both opted to be in my bed and I couldn't resist.  They keep me feeling loved, wanted and needed.

Ethan complained that I did not attend anything at his school this year.  It's true.  Tomorrow I am going to attend his awards ceremony.  I missed Artimus' today.  Artimus is always forgiving so she never mentioned it.

A Few Recent Moments!

My Artimus at 7, too busy with her game to start her breakfast. 

Daddy sitting next to his lovely daughter.

Ethan, always loving to be next to mommy.

Like father, like son.

Age appropriate expressions!

Omh, another age appropriate expression.

Being a mother and loving it.  At Mothers Day dinner.

The three kids loving ToysRUs.

Always photogenic!  Waiting to snack.

Bubble tea snack!

ToysRUs.

42nd Street performance.  Being New Yorkers!

I sometimes forget that they are just kids!  They couldn't resist taking a picture with these ... what are they called?

Waiting for the ferry to having some fun.

A break to climb onto the "beach".

Loving RISK already!

Mommy-daughter hair day!

A normal scene at home these days - Artimus doing homework and Ethan on the computer.

Fishing at Central Park!  She got it ... with daddy's help.

He got it, finally.  It's a catch-and-release pond.

Mommy-daughter Night

Sweet is a natural word to describe Artimus. She is just ... sweet.  Nights alone can be lonely, especially when noisy kids are replaced with silence.  Artimus read "Big Brag" to me with the likes of real storytellers, pausing at the right interval to have eye contacts with the listener.  You can imagine - my heart melted.  My sweetheart is growing up.  How do I capture her sweet innocent voice?  I fear my memory will fail me as I age.

Her curious point of view and laughter are captivating and contagious.  It's said that my life seems to have an emptiness that overwhelmed all that I should be enjoying.

She slept in my embrace, breathing softly.  Those bright innocent eyes finally got some rest.

When she woke up, she asked if she could play.  I whispered a faint, "yes", being still fatigue from nights of sleeplessness.  My sweetheart gave me a beautiful rainbow colored necklace made with rubber bands, short enough for her and long enough for me.

This mother-daughter night saved me.