Death

When is the best age to experience the loss of a family member?  Or to confront the concept of death?

On Tuesday morning, in the mist of running out of the apartment to get the kids to school, JK called.  I was annoyed since he knows how crazy it is to get out of the house in the morning.  He asked to see if I could drive to pick him up from his office.  I said sure, but why?   He said his oldest brother passed away this morning.  I was stunned for a second, then I said I would be there ASAP as we were already leaving the house.  I hung up at about 8:03 am.  We later decided that it would be faster if he just met me at the school.  When I saw him, he was composed.  I gave him a hug and he held me longer than he normally would.  He needed it.  He said he doesn't know how to break this news to his mother.  I wished him well and said good-bye.  When I was half a block away, I realized he may want my support ... that I be there with him as he rushes to pick up his dad to go see his brother.  I caught up with him at the traffic light.  He said he was okay, and I know he would be okay.   JK's spirit is tough.

That day, he picked me up from work early so I could stop by his parent's apartment.  The kids were already there.  When I got there, the kids were playful as always.  JK's mom was near tears as soon as I asked her how she was doing.  She immediately started telling me about S, the brother.  She said he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was 21.  It was only then that S began taking medication for his behavior and S became more stable. Before the medication, S disappeared often and would be found on the streets by the police. Although S couldn't finish school, S was doing well cleaning dishes in restaurants.  He was stable until about ten years ago when he was arrested by two cops who woke him up at the park a block from his home.  They demanded proof of his identity.  When he said he did't have it on him but he could get it from his home a block away, they arrested him.  He was moved to a cell by the time JK and his mom got to the police precinct.  After explaining S's conditions to the police, S was released the next day.  Since that lockup behind bars, JK's mom said that S was never the same again.  S had a record and S was not able to hold a job.  Then about nine years ago, S was found on the highway trying to get run over by cars.  He was arrested and hospitalized.  He was hospitalized for several months before he was eventually placed in a group home.  Since that time, his medication got stronger and they were changed often.  He only visited his parents on occasions and each visit required much arrangements.  I don't remember the last time I saw him.  But each time he was timid.  Everyone knew he was unhappy.  He was a caged and seriously wounded bird.  I do not know when he was wounded, whether at birth or what.  One thing was sure, his family showed their love in ways that did not include hugs or kisses.  These were not part of the Chinese culture.  At heart, we are animals who need physical love.  We all could use many hugs a day and a shoulder to cry on.  But S had none.  He was alone in a group home and rarely got visitors.  He was the exile.

Even JK would agree that S was liberated, finally, from misery.  Life is about living.  When one does not have the ability to fight for a better life, then I can understand the sadness.  I do not believe suicide is justified in all circumstances.  I do not believe in suicide at all.  Suicide is selfish because it causes too much pain and guilt in those who love the person.  But there comes a point when the healthy are in no position to judge the mentally ill for their decision to kill themselves. This is especially true for a society that had spent so little on researching the causes of and cure for mental diseases.

I thank God for two healthy children in my life.

JK wanted the kids at the funeral.  I was initially opposed to it because he didn't give me a chance to think about the pros and cons of exposing the kids to a funeral and death.  But after thinking it through, perhaps this is an experience the kids should experience naturally.  After all, they are older now.  I can't shelter them forever.  Also, since they only saw S several times in their lifetime and did not have a relationship with him, they may just weather it better emotionally.  Besides, being their to support their father and their grand parents may just be as important a lesson for them.  JK and I agree that we would explain to them the funeral and leave it up to them to decide whether they want to be there.

I hope this experience will make them realize the concept of family as they will meet many relatives they have not met before.  I hope they know that a funeral is an event to say a proper good-bye to a loved one, and to celebrate family.

JW