Compassion for the In-Laws

Everytime I overcome my myopic view of life with the in-laws - that it's miserable dealing with people who insist on their way of raising my children - like thinking positively about their contribution to my children's lives, one of them has to invoke the pain of the past. Yesterday, I took over the digital camera to their home to take pictures of Ethan, Artimus and them, which I know make them very happy because they like to see pictures of them with their grand kids. They were indeed very happy, posing here and posing there. JK called, said he was working late. Then both his brothers called and said they weren't coming back for diner. That leaves me, my parents-in-law, Ethan and Artimus. I didn't feel comfortable but they are my family. Then at 7:30 p.m., when dinner was ready, Artimus started crying, like she always did when we went over for dinner every Monday night. I has strategically nursed her often just before dinner to make sure she was not crying because she was hungry. Well, she cried loud and hard just as I picked up my chopstick but not quick enough to put some food in my mouth. The father-in-law started making comments about how loud she sounded and that she was throwing a fit. Of course, all said in his very gentle voice. I took her into the bedroom and started to nurse her, which often would quiet her down. Well, not this time. When she gets into the kicking and punching gestures, she just couldn't stop. This lasted five minutes which seemed like eternity when the bedroom was just two feet from the dining table and I could hear my father-in-law mumbling away with very useless comments - "Oh, baby girl is hungry, should feed her more often," "Baby girl doesn't have enough to eat," and comments of this sort. I was slowly steaming while watching Artimus struggling in my arms, wailing. I yelled out, "She was like this last week and every week. This is the time when she is preparing to sleep for the night and she wants to nurse non-stop." Noop, this factual statement of mine didn't stop his comments. Then the MIL came into the room and took Artimus into her arms and told me to have my dinner and then head home. I thought that was a great idea. As I was stepping out of the bedroom, the FIL said, "That's what happens when she is starved too often." I instinctively said loudly, "I was nursing her all day she was not hungry . . ." My MIL immediately cut in and said that another of her grand daughter did the same thing when she was Artimus age and that was why the daughter-in-law didn't come with the granddaughter until she got older. Artimus was quiet in the MIL's arms. I ate as quickly as I could and attempted to feed Ethan at the same time, who was playing with his food by that time. My FIL, of course, was just eating. I wasn't very angry or upset at that time because this wasn't new. Just thought I could at least expect they could keep their thoughts to themselves in light of the fact that Artimus has been exclusively breastfed since the day she was born. Obviously Artimus has been thriving. After five minutes in MIL's arms, Artimus began crying . . . or better yet screaming, again. I got up, got soup, downed it quickly and said we were leaving. My MIL, as always, in her very "nice" and "caring" voice, "Are you done? Eat more fish you will have more milk." I swear, I got out of there before they could take their next breathe. I threw Ethan a kiss and that was it. As soon as I stepped out of their apartment, and onto the street, Artimus' eyes were closed and sleeping. She didn't cry again that night. She was really tired as I always put her to sleep at exactly 8:00 pm every night. When her eyes opened again, she was in the comfort of our bedroom and on our bed. Yes, I co-sleep with Artimus and she has been sleeping through the night since her first month. I feel more comfortable that she is warm at night and she can feel secure in mommy's embrace. That had produced a very happy and jolly Ethan so why not do the same for Artimus?

Well, I will not be bringing Artimus over to the in-laws for dinner every Monday night anymore unless her bedtime hour changes. She has been trained to sleep at 8:00 pm and it has worked for us so far. It's not my loss. They will be my in-laws forever unless JK commits some major crime against the marriage. They will be who they are - uneducated about the benefits of breastmilk, uneducated about the proper upbringing of my children by being truthful and fair, and even unfair toward people based on gender - like listening to what I have to say and respecting my decisions about how I would like my kids fed and spoken to. I will just have to understand I can't change them. My children will grow up with how people are around them and hopefully be able to understand right from wrong regardless of who those people are in their life. Hey, I can't shelter them from all the wrongs of the world. Besides, the grandparents may be ignorant but not short of love for them . . . or for Ethan at the moment.

JW
P.S. Yeah, speaking of my in-laws' way of raising children, JK witnessed my FIL, with his hands raised in a hitting gesture, said to Ethan, "If you are bad, I'll hit you." This happened many times in a brief span of time. JK was so upset and told my FIL to stop that because the dots are now connected - Ethan always raised his hands in a hitting gesture to him and the MIL and to other kids in the park when he couldn't get his way. Many times, he executed the hitting. Ethan may have raised his hands at me once.