Death

When is the best age to experience the loss of a family member?  Or to confront the concept of death?

On Tuesday morning, in the mist of running out of the apartment to get the kids to school, JK called.  I was annoyed since he knows how crazy it is to get out of the house in the morning.  He asked to see if I could drive to pick him up from his office.  I said sure, but why?   He said his oldest brother passed away this morning.  I was stunned for a second, then I said I would be there ASAP as we were already leaving the house.  I hung up at about 8:03 am.  We later decided that it would be faster if he just met me at the school.  When I saw him, he was composed.  I gave him a hug and he held me longer than he normally would.  He needed it.  He said he doesn't know how to break this news to his mother.  I wished him well and said good-bye.  When I was half a block away, I realized he may want my support ... that I be there with him as he rushes to pick up his dad to go see his brother.  I caught up with him at the traffic light.  He said he was okay, and I know he would be okay.   JK's spirit is tough.

That day, he picked me up from work early so I could stop by his parent's apartment.  The kids were already there.  When I got there, the kids were playful as always.  JK's mom was near tears as soon as I asked her how she was doing.  She immediately started telling me about S, the brother.  She said he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was 21.  It was only then that S began taking medication for his behavior and S became more stable. Before the medication, S disappeared often and would be found on the streets by the police. Although S couldn't finish school, S was doing well cleaning dishes in restaurants.  He was stable until about ten years ago when he was arrested by two cops who woke him up at the park a block from his home.  They demanded proof of his identity.  When he said he did't have it on him but he could get it from his home a block away, they arrested him.  He was moved to a cell by the time JK and his mom got to the police precinct.  After explaining S's conditions to the police, S was released the next day.  Since that lockup behind bars, JK's mom said that S was never the same again.  S had a record and S was not able to hold a job.  Then about nine years ago, S was found on the highway trying to get run over by cars.  He was arrested and hospitalized.  He was hospitalized for several months before he was eventually placed in a group home.  Since that time, his medication got stronger and they were changed often.  He only visited his parents on occasions and each visit required much arrangements.  I don't remember the last time I saw him.  But each time he was timid.  Everyone knew he was unhappy.  He was a caged and seriously wounded bird.  I do not know when he was wounded, whether at birth or what.  One thing was sure, his family showed their love in ways that did not include hugs or kisses.  These were not part of the Chinese culture.  At heart, we are animals who need physical love.  We all could use many hugs a day and a shoulder to cry on.  But S had none.  He was alone in a group home and rarely got visitors.  He was the exile.

Even JK would agree that S was liberated, finally, from misery.  Life is about living.  When one does not have the ability to fight for a better life, then I can understand the sadness.  I do not believe suicide is justified in all circumstances.  I do not believe in suicide at all.  Suicide is selfish because it causes too much pain and guilt in those who love the person.  But there comes a point when the healthy are in no position to judge the mentally ill for their decision to kill themselves. This is especially true for a society that had spent so little on researching the causes of and cure for mental diseases.

I thank God for two healthy children in my life.

JK wanted the kids at the funeral.  I was initially opposed to it because he didn't give me a chance to think about the pros and cons of exposing the kids to a funeral and death.  But after thinking it through, perhaps this is an experience the kids should experience naturally.  After all, they are older now.  I can't shelter them forever.  Also, since they only saw S several times in their lifetime and did not have a relationship with him, they may just weather it better emotionally.  Besides, being their to support their father and their grand parents may just be as important a lesson for them.  JK and I agree that we would explain to them the funeral and leave it up to them to decide whether they want to be there.

I hope this experience will make them realize the concept of family as they will meet many relatives they have not met before.  I hope they know that a funeral is an event to say a proper good-bye to a loved one, and to celebrate family.

JW

Honor Students

Two weeks ago, Yao Shen proudly walked up the stage, knowing I was there watching, to get his honor roll pin.  I was proud beyond words.  He achieved honors without my help and he was even more proud because of it!  He was one of five or six in his class of 26 or 28 that got straight "A's".   Hearing him recounted that he went from below average to straight "A's" made me realize how determined he is even at age eight.

On that happy day, I declared we must celebrate their year's hard work and awesome achievement.  They wanted Malaysian food so we went to Nyonya.  Then we went to the all-famous "Ferarro's" for ice-cream.  They were all laughs and happiness.  JK couldn't resist coming by to have dinner and ice-cream with us even though he had a date.  At heart, we are still a family - we will always share the joy of parenting whenever Artimus and Ethan succeed in life.  We had already shared so many sleepless nights whenever they were sick!  By the time we were walking to the car to drive home, and the kids had their ice-cream in hand, Artimus declared that it was "the best school day" of her life.  Yes, she is quite precise with her words!  I laughed from my heart whenever she proclaims a certain day is the best day of her life.  She has so many!

Artimus with her honor roll pin.

Ethan with his honor roll pin and his all-fun sister.

These days, they can't stop fighting or tickling each other.    They are my joy!

 

Honor Roll

I don't know how Artimus gets honor roll every year, but I am glad she got it.  She never studies and always day dreams when she does her homework.  I never have the time nor the energy to review her homework or to help her study for her exams.  In fact, I never seem to know when her exams were and she never seems to know herself.  But she comes home with 100s and sometimes 80s and 90s.  She always brushed off low grades, and always made sure I saw her good grades.  I hope Artimus learns to learn on her own and be motivated for her own sake.  I don't want to be the kind of parent who is more motivated about good grades than the kids themselves.

Ethan, on the other hand, just does everything fast.  Over the year, he went from being a 70's student to a 90's or 100 student.  He is aiming to be on honor roll.  He didn't make it in the mid-term marking period.  He is aiming for now since he did really well in the final exams.  Again, I don't know when these exams happened but Ethan came home with good grades.  Given that I never see them study, I am just proud of them.  Hopefully, they will learn to learn and figure out a way to learn effectively.

They are my angels.  They both opted to be in my bed and I couldn't resist.  They keep me feeling loved, wanted and needed.

Ethan complained that I did not attend anything at his school this year.  It's true.  Tomorrow I am going to attend his awards ceremony.  I missed Artimus' today.  Artimus is always forgiving so she never mentioned it.

A Few Recent Moments!

My Artimus at 7, too busy with her game to start her breakfast. 

Daddy sitting next to his lovely daughter.

Ethan, always loving to be next to mommy.

Like father, like son.

Age appropriate expressions!

Omh, another age appropriate expression.

Being a mother and loving it.  At Mothers Day dinner.

The three kids loving ToysRUs.

Always photogenic!  Waiting to snack.

Bubble tea snack!

ToysRUs.

42nd Street performance.  Being New Yorkers!

I sometimes forget that they are just kids!  They couldn't resist taking a picture with these ... what are they called?

Waiting for the ferry to having some fun.

A break to climb onto the "beach".

Loving RISK already!

Mommy-daughter hair day!

A normal scene at home these days - Artimus doing homework and Ethan on the computer.

Fishing at Central Park!  She got it ... with daddy's help.

He got it, finally.  It's a catch-and-release pond.

Mommy-daughter Night

Sweet is a natural word to describe Artimus. She is just ... sweet.  Nights alone can be lonely, especially when noisy kids are replaced with silence.  Artimus read "Big Brag" to me with the likes of real storytellers, pausing at the right interval to have eye contacts with the listener.  You can imagine - my heart melted.  My sweetheart is growing up.  How do I capture her sweet innocent voice?  I fear my memory will fail me as I age.

Her curious point of view and laughter are captivating and contagious.  It's said that my life seems to have an emptiness that overwhelmed all that I should be enjoying.

She slept in my embrace, breathing softly.  Those bright innocent eyes finally got some rest.

When she woke up, she asked if she could play.  I whispered a faint, "yes", being still fatigue from nights of sleeplessness.  My sweetheart gave me a beautiful rainbow colored necklace made with rubber bands, short enough for her and long enough for me.

This mother-daughter night saved me.

Mommy-Son Nights

He kept score of how many nights Artimus managed to cry her way to being with me rather than Daddy.  JK and I had split days to have the kids so it's manageable for our working lives.

Ethan cared tremendously about fairness.  So tonight, he and I are having our Mother-Son night.  I thought he would want to have special time with me.  To my chagrin, he followed his routine - finished his homework really quickly and proceeded to read Percy Jackson, the last book in a series of five.  And I get to write this blog.

It's mighty quiet here tonight.  No fighting.  No complaining.  No crying.  Not so bad!

Lessons from Harry Potter

When putting kids to sleep, do not read Harry Potter.  

One day a few months ago, in a desperation to put the kids to sleep, I picked up Harry Potter, book 1, to read to them as they lie motionless to fall asleep while listening to my monotonous voice.  Sometimes, I learned, even a monotonous voice can't hold back words that build a wonderful fantasy story about a little kid who is a natural at magic.  I read to them in the dark with a flashlight.  Unfortunately, I was the only one who was falling asleep.  Each time I stopped at a good spot to listen for heavy breathing, all I heard was, "Keep reading mommy!"  And so this went, for three nights.  I quit.

So Artimus picked up Book 1 and continued reading.  She was so addicted that she took it to school to read during lunch time, snack time and whenever she has free time.  She is now almost finishing Book 4.  It's funny how kids can be so determined when they are interested in something.  Ethan already finished all seven books but after the three nights of reading, he picked up the books again and re-read the entire series until he was done, which only took about six weeks.  In another two years' time, they will surpass me in reading level!

I am so proud of them.  I hope they will always be addicted to the world they can experience in books rather than in games, which they were addicted to for a long time until about now when they have been forbidden to touch unless it's a Friday.

The other night, Artimus forgot to put her homework in her bookbag for the next day, which tends to happen often.  When I put it in her backpack, guess what she did not forget to put in her bag!  Yes, Harry Potter Book 4!  Just earlier that evening, she proudly told me she finished Book 3.

Never ever read Harry Potter to the kids before bed!

My Leave - from a Contributing Guest (wrote in 2012)

I'm Ethan.  I found a very colorful leaf.  It had green, orange , red and yellow .  I found it on Sunday              October 21, 2012, when we were in the middle of the Breathe Deep New York Walk.  I did not know where it came from because all the other leaves were different.  They were not as big as the leaf I found.  My mom said, ''Wow!''

Being in love ...

When her eyes meet mine, I know she is in love.  I am too, because she melts my heart every moment of her lively being.  The thought of losing her, or the bond between us, scares me.  There is no one else like her in my life.  She makes me laugh and feel blessed every moment that she shares with me. 

I think he is in love with me too, in his own ways.  A boy's love is less romantic.  It is a lot more of the desire that I approach him with hugs and kisses.  His demands from me are practical ... "I am thirsty mommy," "when are we going home?", and "why do I have to learn how to play piano?  I hate piano!"  But when I went away two weeks ago, he was the one who repeatedly told me, "I miss you, Mommy.  When are you coming back?"  He was the one who emailed me repeatedly, begging for a response. 

A girl and a boy!  Now I should know all about the ways of people since on an emotional level, we never become "adults".

The Tickle Button

Three days ago, after we got home, I heard Artimus coined the struggle we go through daily as "the tickle button" problem.  Here is the tickle button.

The struggle is as much her uncontrollable laugher and withdrawal from my hands trying to unbutton it as my hands getting weaker from wanting to laugh about it myself. 

Yes, she now wears glasses.  I did buy her the non-glare lens but she broke those in less than a week. These replacements, for some reason, has no non-glare coating. 

Finally ... I found my way back into this blog

Dear follower, I am back.  Not sure how I was locked out of this blog but I finally found my way in.  Please stay tuned.  There were so many moments of thoughts I want to share for eternity.  -JW

Airing the Pain of Divorce

I have been seeing more tears from Ethan lately about the divorce.  One evening last week, we sat down for dinner at my kitchen.  It was a Thursday night I believe.  We just started eating when Ethan started tearing.

Ethan:  "Mommy, Daddy, you should not have been divorced when I was just a toddler and Artimus was just a baby, before she was even a toddler."

Me: "What did you say?"

Ethan: "I said you two should not have gotten a divorce when me and Artimus were so young.  May be about now when we are older."

Ethan teared up and attempted to hold back his tears by looking up to the ceiling.  He did not wipe his tears.

JK and I were silenced by Ethan's sudden unexpected statement.

JK: "Do you think Daddy regrets marrying Mommy"

Silence. Ethan and Artimus looked at each other.  I focused on my food and kept eating.

JK:  "No, because if Mommy and I did not get marry then I would never have two beautiful children."

Ethan:  "Yes, but because of your divorce, I got this bump permanently on my face because daddy hit me a long time ago."

JK:  "I hit you because you were pushing babygirl and you wouldn't stop."

Me:  "No, the bump that you talked about did not come from daddy hitting you.  It was a fat cell deposit that the dentist said would naturally go away.  It's not there anymore."

Ethan: "No, it is still there."

Ethan got out of chair and walked quickly away towards bathroom.

I remained quiet and upset.

Ethan came back.

Ethan started eating.

Me: "Ethan, there is never a good time to get a divorce.  I can assure you that you would not be happier if Mommy and Daddy are still married and arguing all the time.  I don't think you would be happy when Mommy and Daddy are unhappy together.  Ethan, you need to have the correct version of things here.  Mommy and Daddy tried our best to make you and Artimus learning and growing despite our divorce.  Yes, there are many people who are married but that doesn't mean they are happy.  You need to know that your Mommy does not conform to what everybody thinks or say is the right thing to do.  Mommy thinks things through and make a decision that follow my heart and my conscience.  Please do not ever blame everything bad you experience on your parents' divorce.  That will make you a blamer.  We all take responsibility for our own actions.  I hope you will grow up to not conform to what everybody says or thinks but instead have your own thinking, and follow your heart in whatever you do."

Ethan stared at me.  I sensed that he felt better, that he was beginning to not feel ashamed that his parents are divorced.

Artimus:  "Daddy, what about the diamond ring? Where is it?"

Daddy:  "You don't need a diamond ring to get married."

Me:  "Daddy never gave me a diamond ring.  I hope whoever your end up marrying would give you a diamond ring."

The conversation just about ended there.  The kids were happier after my speech.  I am glad I gave Ethan a piece of my mind.  He is too smart to be pampered.  He needs to be given the truth and the firm assertion that I do not want him feeling justified to blame everything bad happening to him on the divorce.  I tried too hard to make everything alright to let him do that.

An Update - Birthdays that Mark a New School Year

Another summer ended so quickly!  The kids are one year older, and so am I.
The best thing is, Ethan got his cousin K to celebrate with every year
as they are really cousin-twins born just one day apart. 

Kids with Amazing spirit!  They are so beautiful and so lively!

Me and my beautiful girl who is turning 17.  

My beautiful angel to my right and my grumpy boy who just wanted Annie to end after the first 15 minutes.

Here is Ethan asking when Annie is going to end and why it is taking so long.

Auntie turned crazy with the girls at a wedding.  The lollipop is just too good to resist.

Me and my angel, turning 20.  

They can't be more different - one loves pictures the other runs from the camera.

Yup, one night, my new assertive boyfriend got me next to these big shots before I could say, "Stop!  Why am I taking pictures with them?"

The busy weekends began already.  Here, they are rushing to eat between swimming and piano classes.

My love, doing his homework next to me.  He is so serious.  

Our Family Summer Vacation

We went to PR.  The sound of the waves and the smell of the sea brings ease to the mind more than any yoga session can do.  The sun was great.  We all came back tanned!