Airing the Pain of Divorce

I have been seeing more tears from Ethan lately about the divorce.  One evening last week, we sat down for dinner at my kitchen.  It was a Thursday night I believe.  We just started eating when Ethan started tearing.

Ethan:  "Mommy, Daddy, you should not have been divorced when I was just a toddler and Artimus was just a baby, before she was even a toddler."

Me: "What did you say?"

Ethan: "I said you two should not have gotten a divorce when me and Artimus were so young.  May be about now when we are older."

Ethan teared up and attempted to hold back his tears by looking up to the ceiling.  He did not wipe his tears.

JK and I were silenced by Ethan's sudden unexpected statement.

JK: "Do you think Daddy regrets marrying Mommy"

Silence. Ethan and Artimus looked at each other.  I focused on my food and kept eating.

JK:  "No, because if Mommy and I did not get marry then I would never have two beautiful children."

Ethan:  "Yes, but because of your divorce, I got this bump permanently on my face because daddy hit me a long time ago."

JK:  "I hit you because you were pushing babygirl and you wouldn't stop."

Me:  "No, the bump that you talked about did not come from daddy hitting you.  It was a fat cell deposit that the dentist said would naturally go away.  It's not there anymore."

Ethan: "No, it is still there."

Ethan got out of chair and walked quickly away towards bathroom.

I remained quiet and upset.

Ethan came back.

Ethan started eating.

Me: "Ethan, there is never a good time to get a divorce.  I can assure you that you would not be happier if Mommy and Daddy are still married and arguing all the time.  I don't think you would be happy when Mommy and Daddy are unhappy together.  Ethan, you need to have the correct version of things here.  Mommy and Daddy tried our best to make you and Artimus learning and growing despite our divorce.  Yes, there are many people who are married but that doesn't mean they are happy.  You need to know that your Mommy does not conform to what everybody thinks or say is the right thing to do.  Mommy thinks things through and make a decision that follow my heart and my conscience.  Please do not ever blame everything bad you experience on your parents' divorce.  That will make you a blamer.  We all take responsibility for our own actions.  I hope you will grow up to not conform to what everybody says or thinks but instead have your own thinking, and follow your heart in whatever you do."

Ethan stared at me.  I sensed that he felt better, that he was beginning to not feel ashamed that his parents are divorced.

Artimus:  "Daddy, what about the diamond ring? Where is it?"

Daddy:  "You don't need a diamond ring to get married."

Me:  "Daddy never gave me a diamond ring.  I hope whoever your end up marrying would give you a diamond ring."

The conversation just about ended there.  The kids were happier after my speech.  I am glad I gave Ethan a piece of my mind.  He is too smart to be pampered.  He needs to be given the truth and the firm assertion that I do not want him feeling justified to blame everything bad happening to him on the divorce.  I tried too hard to make everything alright to let him do that.