Some Thoughts

At two years and four months, Ethan is already having a hard time at life. To set the picture, Ethan bit another kid in his class about a month ago. The news came like a storm even though it was not unexpected. The parent of the victim child was unconcerned. I don't know if that was a good thing. Then the daycare wanted to meet, which I was glad about because they actually cared about their students. We came up with a plan to help Ethan improve his behavior, because according to their evaluation, Ethan is actually a very smart kid but needs to work on his aggression. So we decided we would give him big/huge/exaggerated hugs and praises whenever he does something good. We all did our part and for the weeks that followed, the teachers only fell more in love with all his helpfulness, cheerfulness and overall enthusiasm in class activities . . . until this Tuesday after a three day weekend. Well, to further put this in context, the week before the three day weekend, he was bitten twice by the kid he bit in mid-December. I was so proud that Ethan did not bite back.

You might ask, what happened over this three day weekend? I can't be sure but much was happening because we were all getting a cold for a second time, including that Artimus got an infection in both of her ears. To avoid too much drama in the middle of the night from any collatoral wakings due to anyone's waking, I asked Daddy to sleep with Ethan in another room. Other than the fight Ethan put up when we put him to bed, he slept fine. So I don't think it was solely because he was not able to sleep with Mommy when his sister could. I think it was because of Daddy. Yes, I am putting some blame on Daddy. He came home this weekend from a conversation he had with a friend he very much respected and confided in. His friend, a devoted Christian, who was not married and certainly don't have children yet, told him that it was important that Ethan be somehow taught to behave well, even if it meant hitting him. This friend further stated that from his observation of kids in his church, children tend to be happier when their parents were stricter with them. So this whole weekend Daddy was exclaiminng strong words of discipline if Ethan doesn't do this or that. Now, please note that I had always been the disciplinarian who had certain rules, like no ice-cream before dinner, we must brush our teeth before bed, and the deprivation of certain privilege if he bites, push, hits, or commits other crimes against moral turbitude for kids of his age. Daddy, on the other hand, was the one who gives up upon the sight of a tear or a tandrum Ethan had mastered. Granted, I must say Daddy's actions could sometimes really aggravates any two year olds, or anyone, since he doesn't respectfully ask before intruding with what he thinks ought to be happening. Ethan rarely throws a tandrum at me because I really try to respect his space and give him some control over what happens. One thing I try to do is to give Ethan routines which gives him some certainty as to what would happen next. Daddy is not a person of routines. Anyway, all the fuss Daddy raised over the weekend and Ethan's reactions/tandrums really drove me crazy. While Daddy went backward by trying to secure more control, Ethan is trying to assert independence and control over his existence like any two year olds. Like my neighbor said, people don't lable "terrible twos" for no reason.

This week, when the teachers reported that Ethan started picking on a kid who was always quiet, my heart just sank. All the improvements he had made over the past month just vanished.

Anyone who loves Ethan and who had spent enough time with him knows that he is a smart and vibrant kid with an aggression issue. I certainly know that Ethan needs a lot of attention and we really did not spend enough time playing with him. We were busy working, moving into our current apartment, and going through the pregnancy and birth of Artimus while Ethan was fast growing. Now that we have settled down, I felt we had missed a lot of critical time together. Although I would not say we are in a rescue mission, I know Ethan is going through a lot emotionally and intellectually. I have been reading a lot in the past few months, and had looked into counseling. In the end, I realize that it's time and attention that Ethan needs. As for Daddy's weekend behavior, he realized he was wrong in taking advice from an unmarried and childless friend on how to be a good parent.

Now, it's time to go back to the drawing board and try to bring out the best of Ethan again. This time, we have to seek JK's mother's help, like taking care of Artimus on a Saturday or Sunday while we take Ethan to the zoo or botanical garden. We are all growing, and parenthood is definitely a growing pain as well. I just hope that we don't cause that much damage to our beautiful kids in the process.

JW