Nursing

It's rewarding and all, but it's mentally exhausting to have to keep up the discipline of regular pumping while at work. Most people don't understand what is going on behind closed door and I think my career suffers as a consequence. I have this nagging feeling that people do talk about the frequent closed door . . . the look, the sudden silence upon my entrance etc. Not that I really care because I have a right to do so and I am getting my work done. It is really more about my mental energy to keep it up. I much rather nurse baby girl directly. At least there is a connection and I can enjoy every aspect of her cuteness from the bright eyes to chubby fingers as she grows in extraordinary speed looking different every week. So here I am, loving the fact that I am still nursing but feeling mentally and physically exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I just know that everyday that I am lazy I am decreasing my supply and setting the path to weaning her. There is just not enough time in the day to work, to nurse, to take care of Ethan and to do something for myself like reading a magazine, let alone the idea of pumping one more time to keep up the supply. I guess the only time is when they are all sleeping, like now, at 3:00 am in the morning. My creative mind that keeps me alive is dying because there is no time or mental energy to exercise it. I wonder if this is how most young mothers feel?!

JW