Bad Parents?

JK and I never thought we'll ever be perceived as parents with a terrifying child. I don't blame friends who feel this way. I guess if my child's pretty cheek is marked with two pink-red teeth marks for a couple of days, I would be upset too. Ethan is having a hard time controlling his affections and frustrations. The first episode occurred last November, when he was about 14 months. My colleague's two and a half year old son W and his four-month old brother H came to visit us. W has the cutest cheeks. Ethan was so happy to meet W that he insisted on hugging W. W at first refused such overly zealous affection, but gave in after about an hour, at which time they loudly laughed together while hugging. Then out of the blue Ethan gave W's cheek a big bite. W's laughs turned into crying with big tear drops. JK and I were stunned and apologized profusely while telling Ethan that it was wrong to bite people. Ethan had this look like he didn't know what was going on except that no one liked what he did.

From then on, JK and I alerted all those who take care of Ethan that Ethan has a biting problem and that we should all try to stop biting him if that was done, and that if Ethan bites then we should tell Ethan to stop because it's wrong. From that time on, I realized some people were "biting" his cheeks, arms and legs. They were also letting Ethan bite them without protest . . . but then would complain to me that Ethan was biting them hard. It appears to me that Ethan was getting mixed messages about how to express himself. Those who love him dearly are "biting" him, so why can't he do the same to those he likes? Ethan used to bite me hard when he sees me or when he can't get my attention. I stopped him immediately and sent a clear message that he cannot bite. These days, it appears that he only bites when he is frustrated.

So last Saturday, at a play date, he took a bite at A's round cheeks when I had taken my eyes off of him to talk to A's mother. A is a two year old and he is really a sweetheart with the most tender and non-aggressive demeanor. However, all children at that age engage in parallel play. So A and Ethan probably wanted the same toy and Ethan probably got frustrated when he couldn't get the toy from A. JK reported seeing the biting when it was happening and he was frozen and terrified by the sight of it . . . our sweetheart's teeth were on another little boy!!!!! That was too animalistic . . . too unreal! Thereafter, we were both caught in embarrassment and shame. I held back from the desire to hit Ethan - just on the face so he could remember how upset I was. JK later told me that he had the same urging. (We don't believe in corporal punishment. I do smack his bottom when he refuses to leave the kitchen when I try to cook. Ethan knows that meant I was really upset that he was playing in the kitchen. Other than his bottom, I don't hit. I don't believe that Ethan would learn anything from being hit by an adult.) Instead, I held him tightly and in a stern voice, told him how bad he was for biting A. I told him he would not be playing anymore. Ethan had this "I did something wrong" look on his face and sat quietly in my arms. A's parents were busy in the bathroom cleaning and checking A. Feeling horrible couldn't begin to describe the moment. What should we do to stop this from ever happening again?

We decided to tell all his caregivers again the problem we have with his biting other kids. So we did, and I asked everyone to tell Ethan at the moment the biting occurs that it is wrong. To add to the urgency, I said the little one to come would be in grave danger if Ethan doesn't know that biting is wrong.

I have mix feelings about the effectiveness of changing the behavior of those who take care of Ethan. Is this a natural consequence of not being able to stay home to teach Ethan, and have to rely on someone else? Which really meant some lost of control over how my child would be raised? Or is this to be expected from some children? In any case, I know that teaching the right behavior must start now. At the same time, I can't wait to put him in day care when he turns two in September. May be a different social environment would help.

JW